We interrupt this regularly-scheduled Blogger entry to report on issues missed by all other news outlets….
Kerry’s Home Town To Celebrate “Different Holiday”
LOWELL, MA – In an act of kindness, John Kerry’s hometown of Lowell, MA agreed to declare today “I Wish I Was The President Day.” As expected the move didn’t sit well with Republicans in the State House, but members were overheard saying, “what the heck we’ve got four more years to gloat, let the poor bahstahd have one day.” Still suffering from post-election depression, John Kerry declined an invitation to this celebration. Declaring “If I was Vice President I’d have to attend these two-bit celebrations anyway”, John Edwards agreed to be the keynote speaker on Kerry’s behalf.
Area Mattress King Raided On Anonymous Tip
JEFFERSON, MO – The Mattress King on Taft Highway was raided Sunday during its annual Presidents Day Sale after area authorities received an anonymous tip that the store was selling mattresses which have had their tags removed prior to sale. Store Manager Kamir Babaganoush complained violently at the intrusion on his busiest weekend of the year — “I came to this country with nothing, built this Mattress King into the best mattress outlet in all of Jefferson, and now this? It’s racial profiling I tell you!” Area authorities could not be reached for comment.
Laura Bush Heard Complaining About Calendar
WASHINGTON, DC – The normally pleasant First Lady Laura Bush was heard briefly complaining about the relative closeness of Valentines Day and Presidents Day. “I just spent $60 on a large box of chocolates, a new pair of boxers, and a card! How am I supposed to top that one week later?” grrumbled the First Lady. Friends of the Bush’s have confirmed that all was well in the White House since Mrs. Bush found out that the President had yet to purchase the complete third season of Alias on DVD.
The Presidents Of The United States of America Ponder Opening
SEATTLE, WA – For the first time in recent memory post-grunge band ‘The Presidents Of The United States of America’ are without a gig on Presidents Day. Confused by the lack of interest, guitarist Dave Dederer wondered aloud if Smashing Pumpkins ever had an opening on Halloween.
Man Claims ‘W’ — Not His President
MADISON, WI – Area man Scott McCellean still refuses to acknowledge George W. Bush as president. “I didn’t vote for him in either election. I can’t remember who I voted for, but it certainly wasn’t ‘W’!” When pressed further McCellean admitted to sending Presidents Day eCards to John Kerry and Al Gore as a token of his appreciation for their efforts against the Evil Republicans.
Local City Mulls Road Closures
ATLANTA, GA – Recognizing that traffic will be lighter than normal, including mass-transit ridership, the city of Atlanta mulled the idea of closing all roads with presidential names. Roads to have been closed would have included the Ronald Reagan Parkway and Jimmy Carter Boulevard. When told that residents considered the proposal as “extreme”, City Counselwoman Sandra Platnak said “Extreme? If we were living in Houston, Texas or Washington, DC we’d probably be considering closing the airports as well, now that’s extreme!”
Study Reveals American High School Students Are Clueless
LINCOLN, NE – There was a surprising outcome with last week’s pop quiz administered in Mr. Martini’s Civics class at Fillmore High in Lincoln Nebraska. When shown pictures of the Lincoln Memorial a whopping 72% of the class identified it as the White House. “It’s white, and it’s got a big statue of the president dude we talked about in American History last year, that must be where the pres(ident) lives!” exclaimed Dylan Washbern. The pop quiz also revealed that 14% of those quizzed identified the Washington Monument as a nuclear warhead aimed at Iraq.
Blue States Bluer Than Normal
SACRAMENTO, CA – California Democrats have decided to observe a moment of silence for the Democratic Party at the opening of each session of their State Congress. Senate President Pro Tem. Don Perata said that the moment of silence will occur until the United States Congress is once again “ruled by the Democrats”, or the Democratic Party is disbanded… whichever comes first.
Rain Doesn’t Dampen Her Parade
JACKSON, MS – Every day is a ‘Parade of One’ for area resident Maggie Adams. Ms. Adams stated “I just love to stroll up and down the street to the beat of my own drum!” When asked if she had a special costume for her Presidents Day parade, Ms. Adams said “If weather.com is right and it is raining, then I’ll dress like Uncle Sam — the tophat should keep the rain off my head, otherwise I think I’ll wear the Statue of Liberty costume I debuted last July fourth.”
Amusing tidbits about my life will return tomorrow.
Cheers and Happy Presidents Day!