It’s Been A While But I Finally Voted For A Winner

If you followed my Twitter account last night you saw that fun that I had at the election’s expense. Today I am going to let it spill into the blog as I bring to you my shallow attempt to be a writer for The Onion for a day. Hope you enjoy…

America Votes For Change, And Then Changes Its Mind
In overwhelming numbers Americans got out the vote and voted for “Change.” However, upon hearing of Obama’s pending victory and seeing him prepare on television for an acceptance speech record numbers of voters returned to the polls asking for a “do-over.”

“Wait a minute, I voted for the black guy?” Florida resident Scott Thriten, 78, was overheard asking the polling volunteer at the local shuffleboard club at which he votes. “That can’t be right! I’m no racist, but McKinney was the only black on the ballot and I made sure that I didn’t vote for her. But don’t get me wrong, I’m no racist. And even though I believe women belong in the kitchen I’m not one of those sexist men either, ’cause I almost voted for that pretty Sarah girl whose last name I keep forgetting.” the Vietnam veteran said further.

In Pennsylvania, another “swing” state, college-Freshman Tiffany Wilson was confused because she thought that “Obama” was “O’bama” the really cute red-headed Irish guy she met at Bennigan’s last St Patrick’s Day. “I tried to go back and see him again to make sure he was the President guy, but that Bennigan’s closed because of this whole bad economy thing, y’know.” Wilson said. “This is so not fair! This is the first time I get to vote for the President and now that I realized who I voted for I can’t go back and change my vote? I hate this country! I’m going to move to another country, like New York, or somewhere.”

Sarah Palin Declares “We’ll Get ‘Em In Two Years!”
Sarah Palin started the somewhat-rare post-election interview sweep on CBS‘ “Super-Early Morning Show” this morning. Admittedly she had not gotten much sleep and was rather disappointed but fielded all questions thrown her way.

However, at one point Palin unexpectedly finished one of her answers with “That’s okay, Johnny (McCain) and I will have another go at them in two years!” Palin seemed rather confused and befuddled when it was explained to her that Presidential elections were only held every four years in the United States. “Huh…” she said “I thought it was like the Olympics. You know, we used to have those every four years too, but now they are on tv every two years instead.”

CBS quickly cut to commercial and representatives for the television network could not be reached for comment for this story.

Starbucks To Launch New Campaign
On the heels of its highly successful “Free Coffee To Those Wearing ‘I Voted’ Stickers” initiative Starbucks is launching a new coffee campaign today.

The new “I Like My Coffee Like I Like My Presidents… Hot And Black” campaign will be rolled out to “blue” states first and then to “red” states by the end of 2008. “Sure it’s going to be controversial.” stated Starbucks’ PR manager Amber Thesis, “But, what other coffee company is going help you get your hands around a hot black Grande that you can put in your mouth?” she added.

Representatives for coffee rivals PJ’s and Caribou could not be reached for comments.

ITP Flickr Pic
No photo today, too busy making fun of everything.

Local Man Disgusted That McDonalds Not Offering Free McRib Sandwich Today
“So I got an email yesterday telling me that if I voted for Obama, and he won, I’d get a free McRib sandwich from McDonalds today.” said Baton Rouge, Louisiana resident Manny Tardeux. “Truth be told, it was the only reason I stood in line for two hours to vote yesterday. And now that I am here (McDonalds) no one’s admitting to know what the heck I am talking about!” followed Tardeux.

According to the popular Internet-Urban-Legend-debunking website Snopes this email chain letter swept the country rapidly yesterday. While the chain letter’s source was unknown at this publisher’s deadline Snopes did go on to reveal that variations on the “McRib Mail” existed and that they would probably plague the Internet for the next few days as Americans pass it around as post-election fodder.

Palin Saddened When Asked If She Kept The Receipts
The $150,000 spent by the Republican Party was well documented. Much of that money was spent on clothing for Sarah Palin’s campaign. However, what Palin failed to realize was that if the McCain/Palin ticket didn’t win the Presidency those outfits would have to be returned. “You did keep the receipts, didn’t you?” Palin campaign-aide Terrence Morton shouted at her today. Clearly upset by Palin’s facial expression Morton followed with “Holy shit, now we’re only going to get store credit and not cash back! What a stupid [redacted] you are!”

Morton could not be reached for further comment upon his dismissal from the McCain/Palin campaign this morning.

My Only “Serious” “Change-Related” Topic Of The Day
Holy shit, you made it this far? Fantastic!

While I have recommitted to attaining a 5/7ths vegetarian diet I have eased some of the restrictions on my liquid intake. I will try not to consume any soda or sugar-laden drink such as lemonade. I will allow myself to return to drinking milk and natural fruit juices in addition to the water/coffee/tea/beer/wine list, however. This morning I am drinking a delicious Orange Juice to celebrate the election results. “You know because like Obama, OJ is a black guy.” I was heard uttering under my breath.

And now for some ideas stolen from LiveJournal…
Current Mood – pretty chuffed with myself
Current Music – Sirius Satellite Radio, Channel 26 playing New Pornographers — “Mutiny, I Promise You”
Website Of The Day – You want Change? Play the “Change Maker” game at Fun Brain.
Mode Of Transportation To Work – my car
Exercise (b)Log – nothing
Foot Mileage – 12 miles
Wheel Mileage – 0 miles
Consecutive Days Of Bed-Making (Longest Streak) – 5 (5)
Vegetarian Days – 2
Carnivorous Days – 2
Marta Rides – 0

Books To Read To Earn Kindle – 4

November Goals
1) Lose no fewer than three pounds
2) Drink no soda
3) Run no fewer than 75 miles
4) Bike no fewer than 100 miles

Paulie [eatl/ga]

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11 Responses to It’s Been A While But I Finally Voted For A Winner

  1. Vic says:

    I think you’ve missed your calling. The Onion job should be yours. Very funny stuff.

  2. Thanks Vic. I figured people needed a change from my whining. 🙂

  3. Steve says:

    And this just in- contrary to Republican predictions, the sun did actually come up today- film at 11.


  4. Barb says:

    I don’t think I’m funny enough to comment here today.

  5. Stacy says:

    You ain’t right in the head, my friend. Funny as hell, but not right! 🙂

    I think you have something with the coffee campaign. You really need to trademark that before somone swoops in and takes it!

    So, were you watching Saved By the Bell while writing, or was it an old 90210 episode? I was watching your name choices throughout. Tiffany Amber Thiessen, huh? (or, well, close enough)

    And FP? You misquouted us. We didn’t say the sun *wouldn’t* come up today… we just said we wouldn’t WANT it to. 🙂

  6. RanLiCoop says:

    I agree with Vic. Freelancing for The Onion might not be a bad second job.

  7. I’ve not been right for some time.

    The coffee is a clear rip off of others, I just finally found the time to use it here. 🙂

    The names published today are all fictional. The “Amber” does have similarity to Tiffany Amber Theissen, but had I been watching cheesy television I would have probably derived a name from Melrose Place’s Josie Bissett for whom I had much lust back then.

  8. Steve says:

    I’m sure the Onion reads this blog- I mean come on, who doesn’t?

    Stacy- I sit corrected.


  9. Barb says:

    BTW Stacy- I thought you promised a weekend recap blog update…..

  10. Stacy says:

    Yeah, Barb, I have it mostly written up at home; I just got home too late to jump online and finish it (was out with my bad influence again).

  11. Gentri says:

    HA! Funny Paulie might get some chicks with that attitude!

    Here’s another “rip-off” but still dang funny!

Comments are closed.