Inside The Perimeter

Good to see the ITP-Reader formerly known as Lurker at lunch yesterday. I walked to Muchacho, and then embarked on a three mile hike homeward in the heat afterward.

Last night I skipped SLUT and made dinner — quinoa with turnips, radish, green beans, Swiss chard, and sorrel; all vegetables from WLF — at home instead.

I’m out cycling this morning. If Sosebee Cycling Park weren’t so far from East Atlanta I’d be out riding there today, but since it is I am doing Silk Sheets instead. My goal is to ride no fewer than forty-five miles. I just need to get away…

Weekend ahead.
Weekends don’t mean as much to me as they once did. At least I still have my weekly walk with Betsy and Bella.
I am dreading Black Sheep even though it should be a safe space this Sunday.

Lest you think that I have turned the corner and that I am doing better, I am not.

First therapy session scheduled.

I solved today’s Wordle in four attempts; my starter today was SPARE

Eyelid swelling continues to subside, but I fear that a small chalazion has also started to form in the eyelid. If this is true I will have to watch its progress and perhaps undergo the painful out-patient removal surgery again.

Busy day today, Lowe’s and Waschsalon this morning, then lunch with David. I should probably work in WLF after lunch, but it’s going to be so warm.

As you may anticipate I won’t be going to tonight’s Very Special SLUT hash even though Jackass has been quite kind to me lately, but I just can’t bring myself to go. I’m still incredibly angry and don’t want to potentially be in the same place, get depressed, and have to deal with my anger issues. The only reasons I will be going to the two Black Sheep hashes I mentioned previously are to get my BS #200 on Sunday, and to honor the commitment I made to co-hare at the end of July.

Proceedings for therapy are in the initial stages, no session has been scheduled as yet.

I solved today’s Wordle in four attempts; my starter today was TASER

Did the Melton’s App & Tap bike ride last night, nineteen miles at a little more than 16.2 mph average. Had a few skips with the new drivetrain, I hope to give it another test this morning with a ride out to Stone Mountain and back.

Eyelid swelling going down, all things not quite back to normal as yet unfortunately.

Going to make a call to a therapist today.

I solved today’s Wordle in three attempts; my starter today was WRIST

Slowly my eyelid is improving, and emotion distress is filling the void being created by the removal of physical pain. Seven weeks later, and I am still not doing very well.

I was able to get to the start of the hash, tend my business, and get away before any chance encounter could possibly occur. I don’t want to know if she/he/they hashed last night. I have two hashes on my calendar — May 22, July 31 — both Black Sheep hashes, and then I am hanging up my hashing shoes for the foreseeable future. The hash has been made an unhappy space for me, so I will avoid it.

$1 Tecates at Red Pepper Taqueria on Mondays, a possible Moonlite hash ending in case you need one.

Tuesday Tale of the Tape: 184.2 pounds (+1.0 from last week’s weigh-in); not unexpected this week given my lack of exercise due to two days of driving and my eyelid situation.

I solved today’s Wordle in three attempts; my starter today was AVOID

All I have ever wanted is a “normal” life, but apparently that’s too much for me to ask.

May is turning into April, Part II.

This weekend I had annoying knee pain, and the return of a swollen, bothersome eyelid. The latter is still problematic, though some of the swelling has subsided. Emotional struggles have been temporarily replaced by physical ones. The struggles are coming in many flavors and far too often; they are wearing me out.

The Raleigh Royalty provided me with a comfortable place to sleep and great hospitality. It was fantastic to see them and their new house, even if this trip was cut short due to my genetically deficient eyelid. I left yesterday morning, a day ahead of schedule, and essentially drove straight through. I stopped at one rest area in North Carolina to pee, and then at the Kroger on Moreland to put gas into the M6.

Assuming my eyelid doesn’t require immediate medical attention which will interrupt my week, here are the things on my calendar:

• Begin Last Will and Testament preparation. With whom shall I burden the ITP Estate?
• Lunch and road bike pick up from Barb tomorrow. I want to hear all about Spring Dress Ride.
• Group ride at Melton’s App & Tap tomorrow night
• Buy new eyeglasses from Warby Parker on Wednesday
• Dinner with Betsy on Wednesday, or course.
• Lunch with David/Lurker on Thursday

I solved today’s Wordle in six attempts; my starter today was HEARD

One long delay near Greenville, SC for a bad accident on the southbound side of I-85, and one medium delay near Gaffney, SC due to a broken down RV closing one of the two northbound lanes. Other than that my trip was fine.

Hoping my weekend change in scenery changes my fortunes for the better, and that my medical concerns heal themselves before I need to take medical action. I may have better luck with the former, rather than the latter. It’s Friday the 13th, but I am not concerned.

I solved today’s Wordle in two attempts; my starter today was GRASP

On the road again
Just can’t wait to get on the road again
The life I love is makin’ music with my friends
And I can’t wait to get on the road again

On the road again
Goin’ places that I’ve never been
Seein’ things that I may never see again
And I can’t wait to get on the road again

On the road again
Like a band of gypsies, we go down the highway
We’re the best of friends
Insisting that the world keep turnin’ our way, and our way

Is on the road again
I just can’t wait to get on the road again
The life I love is makin’ music with my friends
And I can’t wait to get on the road again

On the road again
Like a band of gypsies, we go down the highway
We’re the best of friends
Insisting that the world keep turnin’ our way, and our way

Is on the road again
Just can’t wait to get on the road again
The life I love is makin’ music with my friends
And I can’t wait to get on the road again

And I can’t wait to get on the road again

– Willie Nelson

This is one of my karaoke go-to songs. Unless you have worked with me you have never seen me do karaoke.

Other songs in my repertoire:
Jeremy
Crazy
Luck Be A Lady
Creep (though I struggle with the high notes)
Killing In The Name
almost any Tom Petty song

I solved today’s Wordle in three attempts; my starter today was DRIFT

Six weeks later and I still can’t accept what has happened. How I could have lost the thing that brought me such happiness? I am sad, still feel betrayed, and am angry, very angry. I continue to remove any reminders that I encounter around the house, in an attempt to resurrect my happiness.

In an effort to literally stop beating myself up I decided that it would be best to not attempt to wedge a long bike ride into my schedule today to give my body (read “knees, which still bother me after my running attempt the other day”. Argh!) a chance to recover.

I solved today’s Wordle in three attempts; my starter today was STAIN, though I wish that I had started with CHAFE! After refreshing my browser tab I hope my word today is the same as everyone else’s.

Staying out of contact is the hardest thing that I have had to do in a very long time; it’s incredibly painful. Trying to weigh the great times against the suffering I have had since the start of April, and the sacrifices I will need to make in the future to keep my sanity, is as well. Serenity can’t come soon enough.

I attempted running last night, which turned into jogging, which turned into jogging and walking. My knees were not amused.

Tuesday Tale of the Tape: 183.2 pounds (+0.6 from last week’s weigh-in); rats, I was hoping to be below 182.0 today…

I FAILED to solve today’s Wordle; my starter today was SHORT; my second Wordle failure because I did not employ my own non-failure strategy and went for the gusto (which my be my starting word tomorrow).

1. denial
2. anger
3. bargaining
4. depression
5. acceptance

Is it possible to vacillate between stages?

I had many bad moments this weekend, and a lot of dark, self-destructive thoughts. The past six weeks have been excruciating, and unfortunately things are not getting better for me.

I am trying to take steps to heal myself through separation, seeking replacements for hashing (sadly), enacting a moratorium from talking about certain hashers, and looking for professional therapy.

This blog may turn into a “Wordle Update” for the foreseeable future if for no other reason to let you know that I haven’t offed myself.

I solved today’s Wordle in three attempts; my starter today was GRATE