Inside The Perimeter

You’ve seen the Good and Bad, now it’s time for the Ugly.

2004 - The Ugly

Red Dress
Back in August citizens of midtown Atlanta looked in horror as a bunch of complete idiots strolled their streets wearing red dresses. Fear not, it was not an “experimental thing”, but merely the Atlanta hashers’ Red Dress Run. All in good fun. I’d post a picture for all to see, but gosh darn it I don’t have one and I have still not figure out that whole picture hosting thing. To given you an indication of what type of woman I’d be — my dress size if 14, with legs to die for.

Christmas Carolling
Citizens in Tucker shuttered as a band of hashers attempted to sing Christmas Carols throughout their peaceful neighborhood. I am sure that there is at least one child who will require medical attention thanks to our inability to carry a tune. Christmas was ruined for many, be thankful it wasn’t you. Fa Ra Ra Ra Ra, Ra Ra Ra Ra.

I Really Thought John Kerry Would Win
Nuff said there.

Tomorrow: 2005

Happy New Year’s everyone!
Paulie [eatl/ga]

Yesterday I summarized the Good. Today you get the bad (and it’s a doozy)

2004 - The Bad

Getting Carjacked Sucked!
The Story (for anyone who hasn’t heard it yet)
On a brilliantly sunny day in early August (August 8th for you detail-oriented types) I darted out to Home Depot to get some propane for the old grill (which was needed so that some summertime grilling could occur). Since I was also out of gas for the lawn mower I tossed the gas can into the trunk so that I could stop for gas on my way home. Missions completed I drove into my driveway and jumped out of the car. Because I have an alarm system in the house I decided that I should deactive it before trying to lug the combustibles into the house. That’s when it happened… As I was about to put the key into the door lock a young man started walking up my driveway. I barked to him “Can I help you?”. My neighborhood has it’s fair share of people who would like to mow your yard for cash, or perhaps scam you for spare change using some “charitable donation” request. That’s what I thought was going to happen — I was as wrong as wrong could be. Walking up the driveay the guy asked me “Where’s it at?” and when I looked perplexed, he pulled out a gun and told me to give him my keys. It was that point I realized that I was getting robbed (I’m smart like that). Next, one of his buddies came strolling up the driveway and demanded my wallet, and cell phone. I have listened to stories like this in the past, and not wanting to be one of the ones that ends up dead because fucks like this don’t give two shits about human life, I followed their demands. These guys were rookies. With keys in hand they could not figure out how to put my car into reverse (it’s an automatic). The second guy accused me of doing something to the car, at which point I explained to them how to get the car into gear. Come to find out, this robbery was quite the elaborate operation as at that time an old pickup truck pulled into my driveway. My theory is that these guys were taking longer than they should have and the truck (which I assume dropped them off) was coming in as backup in case there were problems. The two vehicles sped off down my street. Scared shitless I ran to my neighbor’s house (knowing full well that he is an Atlanta policeman).

I am not a vengeful man. But if there was one day that I was hoping that these guy would get their just desserts, it was that day. Remember, my trunk was full of propane and a gallon of gas. I was sooooo hoping to hear a news story about a car exploding on the interstate.

The car was recovered six days later, filled with tobbacco and Blunt Buster spray (I’ve looked for a web link to no avail). Two years of keeping it factory fresh, destroyed in six days. An auto-theft crime ring using tactics similar to those used on me was broken up by the Atlanta Police Department back in August/September.

Hurricane Season
In comparison to the tsunami that has turned life upside down for many, my bitching about hurricane inconvenience seems trite. This year I lost electricity for at least five solid days due to hurricanes Frances, Ivan, and Jeanne. Living like the Amesh can be fun, but only when you want to live like the Amesh. I actually sat through Jeanne at my mother’s house in Florida when it was a Category 1 hurricane. Airport closures and lack of electricity forced me to drive a rental car home from Florida rather than fly as originally planned.

Missed Opportunities
Nothing specific here, but suffice to say I know that I fucked up more than one opportunity this year. Sorry. Bad Times, Bad Times.

Tomorrow: The Ugly

Paulie [eatl/ga]

I am just not content with that last post, so let me start a trilogy today. Over the next three days I want to reflect on 2004’s Good, Bad, and Ugly.

2004 - The Good

Goals - 2004’s theme was “Return To Personal Goals” and here they were

• Run a half marathon: CHECK — I actually completed two half marathons, Tybee Island in February and Atlanta in November.
• Ride a bicycle century: CHECK — Back in June I rode the entire Cartersville Century. On top of that I rode in a metric century (a mere 66 miles) in April.
• Compete in an adventure race, or duathlon: oops — I dropped the ball on this one. Adventure races and I haven’t gotten along very well in past years and the only duathlon I was prepared for was held on Halloween (hello! what were you thinking scheduling it then?)
• Complete an ultra marathon: oops — even though the half-marathons were completed I really didn’t train for them. This lack of training would have killed me if I tried to run 31 trail miles in September.

Making the list was the best part of this. Even though I only managed 50% I think it still falls into the Good category.

Friends
Not only did my group of friends continue to get better, it also got bigger. Another successful Super Bowl party, birthday party, and season of watching Survivor with the dinner group. Good Times, Good Times.

Health
Even factoring in the cold I have been bitching about for the last week, I have been in relatively good health.

Pixies And R.E.M.
Two great concerts, two great venues! The Pixies show was not only held in the Fox Theater, but featured The Thrills as the opening band. REM was held at the Ryman Auditorium in Nashville.

The Beard
Unsolicited praise, especially for my appearance is rare. I am not unattractive, but for some bizarre reason this beard has opened up an opportunity for many people to tell me I look good. I like that!

Tomorrow: The Bad

Paulie [eatl/ga]

Today’s message is short and simple — I want to Rock!

Perhaps because it is only 8:30am and I am drinking the strongest coffee I can find, I am charged up and revved up to go! Has the evil cold finally exited my body — it’s been a week since it started. (And if I get sick because I had to sit outside in the “heated” patio at Brewhouse last night while they waited to start their Texas Hold ‘Em tournament I will be pissed! But I digress…)

Today I’m in the mood for listening to the music of my youth, but not Musical Youth because listening to that would just be sad. I want to hear Husker Du, Pixies, Black Flag! Right now I’ll even settle for some Iron Maiden, Guns N Roses, Soundgarden or Alice In Chains. Just bring it, and bring it hard!

Cheers!
Paulie [eatl/ga]

The label on the cake box said it all, or at least enough to get my mind churning.

The company that produced the cake is in Between, Georgia. Think I’m making this up? Lookie here at this Mapquest link.

(read in the style of Abbott and Costello’s “Who’s On First?”)

Costello: Abbott, where are you from?
Abbott: Between.
Costello: Between? Between what?
Abbott: Between, Georgia.
Costello: Abbott, Georgia is the name of a state between South Carolina and Alabama, you are from between them?
Abbott: Yep.
Costello: So are from either Atlanta, or Athens?
Abbott: Nope, Between.
Costello: Between what?! Between Atlanta and Athens?
Abbott: Yep half way between Atlanta and Athens?
Costello: Great, now what’s the name of the city?
Abbott: Between.
Costello: Oh Hell!
Abbott: Hell? No, that’s a city in Michigan. I’m from Between.

Now Between, Georgia may be a lovely city, bless their collective hearts. But since I’ve never been there (I have been to Hell, Michigan) I really don’t know. Question — Is using a preposition for your town name the greatest idea? Am I missing something? Was there a General Between in the Civil War? Was there a prominent family living there at one time, “Hi, I’m Paul Between of the Georgia Betweens”?

Of course, if I was on the panel deciding Between’s name before Between was “Between”, I would have suggested “Intercourse” (stolen from Pennsylvania, of course) to give Georgia the ultimate travel trifecta — Intercourse to Climax to Cumming. Ah, cheap and easy humor…

This is ‘Throwback’ Tuesday
Today I am wearing a shirt that all but screams “Dot Com.” It’s a circa 1996 long-sleeved Ralph Lauren rugby shirt with wide blue and green stripes and a white collar. The only thing its missing is the obligatory now-defunct company logo emblazoned on the chest. Is the shirt out of style? Yes. Is the shirt warm? Hell yes! (it’s at this point you should consider yourself lucky that I have not gotten around to setting up photo hosting). I think I’ll donate it to Goodwill and periodically check to see if anyone buys it.

Cheers!
Paulie [eatl/ga]

And all through the office things are slow. Nice and slow, see. (Shout out to anyone who connects that last sentence to The Flintstones (tv show, not movie)).

Speaking of the cinemas…
My only outing this weekend was to see The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou. I give it a B, thumbs up, four stars, or whatever your scale is for a “good movie, but not excellent.” If you hate Wes Anderson films (The Royal Tenenbaums, Rushmore) I’d advise you to skip this one, or at least wait until it’s a rental. However, if Anderson’s other works made you happy, this one should as well.

Late Christmas/Channukah gift for you
Here is a website that I visited this past weekend that I think should get some ITP Street Cred…

Michael Paulus’ Cartoon Skeletal Art - I think this art is brilliant! Paulus has taken cartoon figures and drawn the skeleton that would be resonsible for supporting the figure. Follow the link, I guarantee it is worth it.

Cheers!
Paulie [eatl/ga]

No, it’s ok. Blue is a good color for me, I am a Democrat.

Today I am trying to give myself the gift closest to Godliness — Cleanliness. By day’s end I hope to have all back in order here in the house and start anew tomorrow. So far I’ve opened and read the Christmas cards sent to me, have one load of laundry done with another in the dryer and am currently on a break — making sure that I do not overdo it as the mighty cold still lingers. Currently I am snacking on what may be a new Christmas tradition Inside The Perimeter, Chipotle Tabasco cheese toast and a Hebrew Beer (Messiah Bold)! HA HA HA, or perhaps, HO HO HO!!!

To all who have read my blogs in the past, and to those of you who are reading this for the first time, Thank You.

Now, about that stack of paper on my desk…

Merry Christmas,
Paulie [eatl/ga]

Last night I tried a different remedy for eradicting this cold — drink like there is no tomorrow. For the first time in many years I closed down Gravity Pub at 2am. The occasion? A good friend of mine is in town visiting family so we did some drinking and dart throwing on a Thursday night at Gravity Pub like we used to. I love Gravity, it’s like that well-worn great pair of jeans that fit perfectly — so comfortable.

The whole evening was like a living Christmas letter. We caught up on how our lives had changed since we last saw one another. Most noticably he told me that for the entire year that he drank nothing but water. You that right, nothing but water. That changed last night, as he returned to The Drinking. For this I take no credit or blame, it was his decision. I talked about my carjack incident, and the breakup of my last long-term relationship late last year — to wit when asked if I ever talk to her I exclaimed “Nope, once I am told that I am not ‘it’ I have no desire continue contact.” Petty? Perhaps, but I don’t need to convert girlfriends to friends, I have a lot friends. [FORESHADOW ALERT]

At 1pm today (still sick — remedy failed) I was awaken by a knock on my door. Oh ye wise reader you have figured out who was at the door, haven’t you? Yep, it was her. To her credit she was returning Christmas ornaments that have been in my family for some time and erroneously made into her pile upon breaking up. I was appreciative of the gesture. If my life was a made-for-tv movie we would have hugged, realized that we were made for one another, reconciled our differences and gotten back together. Instead I said “thanks”, she said “ok”, complimented my on the beard (no joke), turned and walked away.

I honestly never would have known that the ornaments were missing. In years where I am single, I choose not to decorate. Christmas decorations inside my house when I am alone depress me. And besides, what am I suppose to put under the tree, presents labelled “To: Paul, From: Paul”, “To: Me, From: Me”, or maybe “To: Paul, From: Santa”? For me tomorrow will be just another Saturday.

Merry Christmas, or should I say Merry Saturday!
Paulie [eatl/ga]

I’m sick. Ugh… Not surprising since I interacted with well over a hundred people and stood out in the freezing cold more than once over the last five days.

Now is it “feed a cold, starve the flu” or “feed the flu, starve a cold”? Ah, it doesn’t matter because I don’t know which one I have. I do know that I am supposed to drink plenty of fluids. Does that include beer? Beer is definitely a fluid.

I tried to conjure up one of those old wives’ tale remedies — chicken soup (I hear it’s good for the soul). The best I could do was to find a can of condensed cream of chicken and mushroom soup in the cupboard. I was a little taken aback when the “soup” flopped out of the can like cranberry jelly on Thanksgiving Day, but I figured what ever doesn’t kill me, right? To make the gelatanous mixture seem more appealing, which goes a long way toward the healing process, I added water (as directed by the can), the remainder of my leftover chicken from the other day and some seasoned crutons (hey, don’t laugh you put fried noodles into Chinese soups, right?). Not bad, if I do say so myself. Still sick, didn’t work.

One of the things I hate most about being sick is the oddball sleeping patterns it puts me in — asleep at 8pm, awake at 11pm, asleep at 12am, awake at 3am, asleep at 4am, awake at 5:30am, yada, yada, yada. Back in the “Old Days” I could at least catch a few interesting/amusing infomercials when this occurred, but I have already seen the “Girls Gone Wild” and “Sharper Image Ionic Breeze Air Purifier” infomercials a million times. Hey Ron Popeil, have you run out of ideas?

Sometimes you have to let The Man win - Part One
I cracked yesterday and purchased Keane tickets through Ticketmaster’s web site. Yes, I paid their enormous fees, but I’ll at least get to see what I believe will be an awesome show.

Can someone let me borrow an eight-year-old?
I am stuck at the first Boss Battle in the PS2 game Viewtiful Joe. I have been attempting to beat the first Boss for two days! This game is kicking my ass! Seriously, I’ll gladly return the child once s/he gets me through this battle. Santa, you listening? How about a cheat code. C’mon…

It’s 6:10am and I am wide awake. I wonder how long this will last.

Cheers!
Paulie [eatl/ga]

Yes, Journey said it best. As a quick aside, one of my biggest fears in high school was dating a girl who liked Journey now it’s dying alone… Fuck it, I’ve got time!

I woke up yesterday knowing that I was taking a day off from work. Can you say ‘playing hooky‘? I knew you could.

My first task yesterday was to buy myself a new suit so that I could look nice for Kevin’s wedding on New Year’s Day. I drove the Jackmobile to my favorite Urban Wear (and I’m not even African-American, DAMN!) / Cheap Clothing establishment K&G Superstore. I got myself a “tight” suit — that’s good right? (I heard another customer refer to his new suit as being “tight” and both he and the salesman looked pleased.) The suit is three-button black with thin pinstripes, currently being altered to fit my physique. Can you say ‘Playa’? I knew you could. In addition to the suit I bought some Bitch Slappin’ black leather gloves and (yet another) pair of pants. For a straight man I own a lot of pants and shoes, but luckily most of them say “Plays for the Ladies Team.” The only thing I didn’t score was a hat. My K&G sells those “Sunday Go To Church” hats that the African- American men wear, but I figured it will be cold in Boston so this type of hat wouldn’t do much good and I don’t need hat hair at a wedding either.

Pleased by the completion of my main chore of the day, it was off to play. I was scheduled to do lunch (sooooo 80’s) at Einstein’s and then head over to the High Museum to take in the current exhibit “Van Gogh to Mondrian”. Issue One — call the exhibit what it really is, not what people want to hear. The subtitle “Modern Art from the Kroeller-Mueller Museum” is a far more accurate description of the exhibit. Issue Two — people, it’s called common courtesy! Don’t hover on my back, and don’t step in front of me while I am looking at the art. I don’t know you, give me some space! I enjoyed the exhibit, but admittedly I don’t “get” abstract art. Tell me it represents a tree, or a stanchion at the water’s edge and all I can say is “You’re kidding, right?” Go see it, it’s art….

I was planning meeting up with my Trees Atlanta friends at Mary’s, East Atlanta’s gay bar (yes, Virginia straight men can go to gay bars) for Maryoke (after Monday’s carolling I was feeling pretty good about my singing talents), last night but promptly fell asleep when I got home from the museum. The phone rang at 8:45pm (which when I awoke I thought it was 8:45am) — only to be a solicitor. When I realized my internal clock was twelve hours off my first reaction was like that of Ebenezer Scrooge’s when he realized that he had not missed Christmas Day. However, I quickly decided that I was tired, not feeling well, and didn’t need to drink (a must in order for me to sing in public), so I went back to sleep.

Two out of three ain’t bad. (now who the hell sang that? Meatloaf?)

Cheers!
Paulie [eatl/ga]